Depression and Anxiety and Antidepressant Withdrawals, OH MY!

If you know me personally, then you know the last few days have been pure hell for me. I'm flaky, which I know, but usually I can remember to take my medication at least three times a week at the minimum. This doesn't produce the best results, HOWEVER, it keeps my withdrawal symptoms at a minimum. I ended up being mega stupid and was without my medication for approximately five days. I'm now super excited that I'm not addicted to any drugs, because if it's worse than Effexor withdrawals, I want no part of it fo sho.

Basically, what had happened was either that I ran out Thursday or I noticed that I was on my last dose [that specific I can't remember fully], and on Friday I was planning on getting it refilled. Usually no big deal, use the Walmart app on my phone, select that yes indeedy I do want to refill my medications, and then BINGO BANGO, they refill my crap. Even if the refill is expired, there is usually an option to fill it anyway and then the pharmacy pesters the doctor for the medication. WELL, the app decided to be a little bitch and not work for me properly. I could refill an antibiotic from a year and a half ago, but not my damned anti depressants. Awesome! I need to create some impervious bugs in my body so I die quicker anyway. I hung out with my niece and my mom Friday, so I decided I would call the pharmacy later when I had a chance because my doctor's office requires you to have the pharmacy request a refill. At approximately 6pm on Friday I realized  I made a grievous error in my time management and neglected to get my Rx called in. I called Walmart anyway, and they advised they would be unable to assist me in filling my meds on that day, but they'd put in the refill request so that at least on Monday they'd have it ready to acknowledge first thing in the morning. They would have given me a few days worth of medication until they could get the refill except the refill was expired and they couldn't verify that the doctor still watned me on the medication. They didn't know that my doctor's office is open for a half a day on Saturday, so I thought, "Well, I'll have it tomorrow and that'll be just fine." 

THEY DIDN'T HAVE MY MEDICATION "TOMORROW!!!" I didn't get my refill until Monday evening after work. 

What I've noticed as far as my withdrawal symptoms are concerned :

1. Pain in the joints. Always the first symptom. This gets progressively worse the longer I have been without my medication, until eventually it hurts to even just lay there, and so I spend a great deal of time just trying to block the pain in stead of focusing on whatever else I need to be doing. I have a hard time sleeping because it hurts, and no pain medication eradicates it that you can get over the counter. I do not know if Rx pain meds would ease the suffering, so I can't assess that.
2. Diarrhea. Cha-cha-cha. I have a lot of problems with my bowels in general since I have IBS, but when I'm either changing my medications or stopping my medications, I am a shit factory. I am the disposal of all the waste in the land. I'm crapping for humanity. The defication station and I become really good friends, and the people I work with are reminded of one of many reasons they don't like me. It's a pain in the ass. LITERALLY.
3. Mood swings. I'm far more irritable as the days without medication progress. I am ready to just spout some knowledge ya'll don't want any part of. I will rip you the most righteous of new ones for the slightest infraction. I will cry at the mere mention of something less than charming. Snakes have no arms? THAT IS THE MOST TRAGIC THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY, LET ME SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE VIA MY EYES!
4. Suicidal Ideations. No, I'm not sitting in the corner with a razor blade to my flesh. But I'm sitting in my chair wishing someone else would do something to end my life so I could go guiltfree into the void. I have dreams of cutting myself, or of overdosing, or of shooting myself in the head, and those dreams are not nightmares in their depictions. They're positively horrifying in a whole different level. And I usually don't talk about them or how I feel about them because I don't want to hurt or anger anyone.
5. Cold sweats. Like you've never believed were possible unless you've tried to come down from Heroin or something. I'm talking sticky, thick sweat but also shivering. You can't have a blanket  but you also can't have a tank top and shorts on. It almost feels like I have the flu and I'm going to die at any minute. This one was a new-to-me symptom that I developed on Monday in the morning. I spent all day just feeling slimy, gross, and either really hot or really cold. It was what I imagine going through hot flashes while also coming down from opiates would feel like. Something every rapist should feel on a constant basis but won't, because they have no souls and cannot feel anything.

I cried a lot the last 4-5 days. And yet I still had to go to work and do the best I could to be human, when I no longer felt human. I'm on 187.5mg of my Effexor … off brand of course because I'm borderline poor most of the time. The first pill is the 150mg, and I tell people that this pill makes me a human being. I can withhold my wrath and think about what I'm doing. I can help people without being impatient and asking them to get to the point. But I'm not overly warm, I'm not going to reach out to someone in need when I'm on 150mg. I'm just not. I'm going to allow you to come to me, and then I'm going to be grateful when you leave. I won't text people back, comment on their things on Facebook, or like a single selfie of theirs, but I will be 100% engaged on my phone, or at least I'll appear to be so as to encourage you to really think about whether or not you want to talk to me. Now, add the 37.5mg that my doctor tacked onto my dosage, and now we're cooking with gas. I'm positively delightful! I laugh at your jokes, even the bad ones because those bad ones are still really funny. I smile more, and I care if you're smiling too. I'll help people I see struggling in silence, and I'll care if I owe someone money but not care if they owe me money. 

When Walmart pharmacy finally got their shit together and tried to get my meds filled on Monday, they only requested my, "And with this pill you shall be delightful," pill. Not my, "And with this pill you shall be human," pill. I'm not sure what I would have been like … Maleficent? Joyous in my awfulness? I don't know, and I'm glad my girlfriend didn't want to know because she called my doctor's office and left them a message requesting they alter their policy and refill my medications because I was having the struggle of the utmost real persuasion.

Fast forward through a non-productive phone call with the pharmacy, being stabbed in the back twice by coworkers, and doing my best to train my trainee as humanly as I could … I get off, go home, and my girlfriend has gotten my medication. She listened to my wailing of how awful things at work were that day, how much pain I was in physically and emotionally, how much I wish I would just not exist anymore, and how much I hate myself, gave me my first dose of medication, and fed me delicious pizza and showed me so much love.

It was a terrible few days, but I'm very lucky that my girlfriend was with me for part of it. I don't deserve her kindness to me, or when she takes care of me, but I don't think I could have gotten over this and still have my job and decent relationships with people.

Always take your medication. At least three days a week.