Hysterically Heddy

Riddle me this, Batman.  What. The. Fuck ... is the point of not drinking when I'm not seeing results of my efforts to stay sober and vodka is so delicious??? I don't think I'm an alcoholic since I have no physiological response to being without it, but I'd say it's a habit that's proving harder to quit everytime. I think it's because the trade off is not very worthwhile. I'm not magically thinner. My face isn't clearer. I don't sleep better or feel better. I can go out to bars and have fun without drinking, but what's the point???  I'm down to 216.8lbs. I'm about to start my period, I've been sick, and all I want is some friggin whisky on ice and some ice cream.  This is my last weigh in of the month.  222.8 - 216.8 = 6lbs. GIVE. ME. SOME. DAMN. WHISKY. AND. LEAVE. ME. ALONE. 

I cheated this week. On my diet, not my girlfriend. And not even a lot. What the hell is wrong with me? I enjoyed the reprieve from being inundated with healthy food, as well as the little bit of alcohol ........ BUT I WEIGH THE SAME AS I DID LAST MONDAY! DOWN TO THE OUNCE!!!! It was only one cheat meal and it was one time, and my body revolted. What. The. Actual. Fuuuuuuck. Is this shit.  My girlfriend and I are supposed to hop to the gym tonight, so if we start that I'll hopefully have a difference next week? This is when I usually quit what I'm doing and throw a fit and eat all the things. But I'm going to stay strong ... for now. 

Well, today is the day. The day I either make dreams fly or die. Did I stick to my goals? Ehh, some of them ... the important ones. Not a drop of alcohol ... drank 80oz of water MOST of the days ... didn't do a single bit of exercise ... I did eat beneath my set caloric goal of 1500 according to Myfitness Pal. Today is the day I see if it's done any good or if I'm doomed, and will have to sing "The Doom Song." It all starts with the gentle nudgings of my girlfriend to tell me it's 5:55am ... FUCK ... FUCK I didn't set an alarm! My angel, while I frantically panic, goes and gets me clothes for the day and puts together my lunch for work. She's amazing like that, and always puts my food together because she knows I'll never be organized enough. In the throes of passion, and not the sexy kind, I ripped off my clothes, went to the bathroom to throw myself onto the scale. Gotta hurry this bitch up! So ... I step on the scale, fully prepared to rage agai...

I haven't met my water goal everyday, but I've met my food goal. I'm hungry, and cranky. Why is gaining weight so damned easy but losing it so hard? It's evil AF. I haven't started exercising either, but I know I need to.  I went to the doctor [and guess what he told me, guess what he told me? --- He's a she, sooo], and turns out all my bloodwork for the year is good. No diabetus for me! At least for now. But I've got to get this weight off to keep it that way. My doctor says she wants me to be less than 200lbs at least. I'm like guuuurrrrl, I know, right?  I'm just trying to keep swimming, man. I'm at work with people who don't want me around. I'm hungry, tired, and ready for all of this to pass on by. Accepting thoughts, prayers, positive vibes, and kind words. 

I decided instead if making Facebook posts about my weightloss journey, I'd put it in my blog. So here it is!! It all started as a vague plan that became very important when one day I saw the side view of me in my yellow sweater, and saw how much weight I'd put on. Not just a, "Oh, it's just water weight!" but, "This is unhealthy, you need to make changes before you end up with diabetes!!"  Now, before I continue it's very important to me that you all know I'm not trying to "fat shame" anyone, or make anyone feel any type of way about their weight. Diabetes is a scary disease that runs in my family, and I don't want it. I have no delusions that I'll ever be what I was in my early 20's. I was unhappy while I was thin then, and I'll be unhappy thin now if I don't keep working on my insides as well as my outsides. My current weight is 222.8lbs. I'm 5'2", i wear a size 22 pants, I'm a 42DD, and those are...