Let Me Tell You 'Bout My Bestfriend

I'm a hard person to be really good friends with. I am emotional, I'm mentally ill, I'm selfish, and I'm flighty. My selfishness I've been fighting for my whole life, but it's an inherent trait of mine. My depression and anxiety have also been present my whole life, but I've only been fighting for normalcy for a few years. The emotional and the flighty are just par for the course I guess. 

I met Brice a little more than 5 years ago. We spent Valentine's day together with tacos and conversation, and to date it's one of the best Valentine's days I've ever had. There's a thing I call "soulfriend," and he's one of few I have met ... where you just click and everything is easy. We spent time listening to music together, watching TV and laughing together, and we tossed around the idea of making music together. Some of the best moments of my life are with this man. Even when he's brutally honest. 

We used to work together and had the same days off, so I saw him all the time. I took for granted that I'd not have to work hard to see him and maintain the friendship. We'd go to the same bars, do the same things, and turn around and be at wirm at the same time. I got used to how easy things were. My job is a stressful one, and it's not for everyone, so he eventually left and I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't know how to cope with him not being there anymore. 

I was selfishly devastated. He was my other half at work, and I was alone again. I went to first shift and I couldn't go see him perform anymore, and I didn't know what to do so I did what I always do when I'm insecure ... I ignore the problem. I hide. And I let one of my favourite people down when he needed me. I hate hate hate how I handled things. I haven't gotten to see him grow as a drag queen either. 

Recently, I've gotten to see him more because I got promoted and now I'm on 2nd shift again. He'll never know, even as I write this, how much I love him and miss him. I wish I had been there for him, and I wish I tried harder to keep up our friendship. Just this Wednesday he called me his best friend to someone while we were at my favourite bar, Club Boomerang, and it gave me hope ... I hope we'll get back to being what we were, but until then I'll just have to work hard to earn his forgiveness and his love. I have abandonment issues and I left him before he could leave me. But I'm here now, for whatever that's worth. 

I love you with all my heart.