30 Something

I'm in my 30s. Mid-ish. I got to tell you, I have always had nice breasts. Iknooooow! What kind of post is this??? Trust me, I have a point. 

I have just spent 30min trying to take a new picture for my profile on Facebook, and all my photos have cleavage. No matter how hard I tried, still there. I got so fucking frustrated. WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE AM I TRYING TO SEND??? Stupid. I got to thinking though. At what point do i get to just acknowledge that I have large breasts and they just exist? When do I get to stop feeling the need to hide them, or APOLOGIZE for their existence? Soon enough they'll be flaccid fat sacks. 

I have dear friend with breast cancer. I won't talk about her story, it's not mine to tell, but it's been on my mind. Not just because I love her very much [which I do], but also because I'm a selfish twatwaffle and I'm afraid for her and I'm afraid for myself. 

I'm afraid to get old, too. I'm scared of when everything starts to go. When my breasts start to sag, my face gets super wrinkly ... when I start sounding even more like my mother ... I don't want to hate the body I have anymore. It's only going to get worse, I know. I'm not YOUNG anymore. 

When did I get so shallow? I wear more makeup, I take longer to get ready, I put a lot more effort in my clothes ... what happened to me? I have always had low self esteem, but now it's like I try hard and still hate myself. I genuinely enjoy doing my makeup, it's like the only time I can look at myself without having to make a silly face to tolerate it. But I see the wrinkles forming, and I think how I haven't DONE anything with my life yet. 

I want to get married before I look old, for my wedding photos. We don't even live together yet. I'm so shallow, it HURTS me to hear myself. I didn't used to care about aging, until it started happening. It's hard to lose weight, it's hard to party as much as I want, it's hard to sleep as much as I need. 

I feel myself loving myself but only conditionally. I hold no one else to my standards but me. 

YOLO


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